By Rachell Kingsbury
B. Psych&Ed(Hons), Dip(Bus Mgmt), MA(Clin Psych), D Psych(Clin Neuro & Clin Psych), MAPS
During the past week I took time out of my busy schedule to blow out some of my international minutes by talking with a close friend in Amsterdam.
We were discussing her commencement of IVF. Like many women, having not met “the One” (my guess they’re all hiding in the Freemason’s Club), she had made the decision to embark on the journey of motherhood by herself. And as such her world was rapidly becoming an oh-too-familiar blur of awaiting Day 1, scans, receiving freezing condom-covered probes, injections, kicking your undies off in professional doorways, creative reasons to explain work absences, haemorrhaging cash, and free floating anxiety.
Having spent 2-years of back-to-back IVF to achieve my first pregnancy, it takes very little for this process to resonate.
“You know” she continued “if this first cycle works, I’ll be pregnant at Christmas time, and I’m not sure if I’ll be wanting to fly, is that safe? … and all my friends will be drinking, and …..” Her words were words that had circled my brain for the 5.5 years that I’d participated in back-to-back attempts for babies amongst pregnancies.
Fun Fact about Me: Emotionally organising other people is like a compulsive tic. I literally invented a forehead-hug (in fairness my fingers were covered in foil) on the weekend, to a stranger in a Nail Bar who confessed tearfully that her husband had been made redundant. So I gave her what I think are two critical tips for Psychologically Surviving the Beginning of IVF. 1. Expect to fail that first cycle. You heard me.
1. Expect to fail that first cycle.
Either no one ever tells you this, or you’re so overwhelmed by the extremeness of injecting in your lounge room and/or paying approximately $10 000 for potentially nothing that you don’t actually hear this statistic (or at least, I didn’t!):
“On average, IVF can take up to 3 cycles for a successful pregnancy to occur.”
And frankly, there’s plenty of research to say that that statistic is based on whatever an ‘average’ woman is meant to constitute (supposedly, ‘average’ women rarely attend IVF) or are overinflated by market competition.
There are so many reasons why an IVF cycle can fail, and what you may not know yet, is that your Doctor is largely treating that first cycle as an information gathering pursuit. Because you and they don’t know yet how you’re going to respond.
For me, that first cycle was the beginning of discovering that I had poor egg quality (think: the oocytes of the Librarian on Ghostbusters).
And just like that, there I was, standing in the embryo transfer lounge, in my patient smock, awaiting my impregnation, only to be told that;
“None of your embryos have survived”
With fat, hot, resultant tears of devastation flooding my cheeks, I couldn’t help but think: Hadn’t I done everything the Doctor said? Hadn’t I mastered the art of injection to seasonedintravenous-drug-user capacity?? Hadn’t I paid all the money???
Expect to fail. Statistically you’re more likely to fail than succeed. And if I can psychologically prepare you to fail that first cycle, you will still be upset, you will still cry, but you may not be devastated.
It’s not about instilling hopelessness. Instead; positively embrace that:
“Pregnancy is likely to take at least three IVF cycles.”
Approach it as a process and commit to the three cycles, so that you can adopt a healthier, realistic approach to that first cycle. If you achieve pregnancy quicker, you can poke your internet tongue at me defiantly, but you’re mental health will secretly be thanking me.
2. Do not alter the course of your life until you have a positive result.
Similarly, the natural tendency to anticipate pregnancy is that beautiful part of being a mum and preparing to protect and optimise that little growing baby.
I get it. For nearly two years I put myself up on blocks, month by month; not running, not exercising, not drinking at parties, not drinking at all!, limiting caffeine, avoiding sex or anything else that I thought might ‘disrupt’ the flora/fauna equilibrium (Dr Livingstone, I presume?), not flying, not forward planning, not committing to anything long term, and on and on.
Remember; the female body is amazingly adaptive and will naturally protect your baby in the first weeks. There’s no need to stop anything you’re doing in life while undergoing IVF. This only exacerbates the understandable grief, anger and despair that comes with IVF failure.
So as I said to my friend:
“Do everything you would normally do. When you get a positive result, you’ll naturally accommodate your baby at that time.”
These are the two psychological staples that I wished someone had told me. As always, good luck with your journey, and please feel free to get in contact.
